IT'S ALMOST FRIDAY!!

Just a quick note today as I am excited for this week to finally be here!!
My kids are coming home Friday!! Yay! I can't wait! I'm not sure why but it seems that this year, their time away has dragged on. They have a yearly, month long visitation with their father (in the states)...so I'm used to that...but this year feels longer to me.
So, I am busy doing the usual preparations for their return...cleaning their rooms, washing their bedding (to make it fresh again), making sure their favorite foods are in the pantry and, of course, baking yummy things for them to munch.
When they do get back I will have loads of laundry to do (their father likes to send everything home dirty) and my son will want to be wherever I am for a few days...all the usual stuff. My daily life will be noisier and more hectic...and I love that!
Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy myself when they are gone...sometimes. But I have so much fun when they are home. I just love hanging out with my kids...whether we are at home watching a movie or out on a hike...they are great people to be around.

Well, I better get back to it...lots to do...yay again!

A POST?...REALLY?

I feel I have been neglecting my duties here. Not really sure why...I've had PLENTY to say...I've had the time...perhaps the reason is motivation? Lots to say...don't feel like saying it? Who knows...but let's give it a shot, shall we?

My kids have been on their yearly summer visitation with SOS...gone since the end of June. They come home in a week...yay! Not sure I can get across to anyone how much I HATE them being gone. You would have to be in my head to understand and believe me, that's not where you want to be. From what they've told me (during our phone conversations) they have been having a pretty good time. They haven't had too much one-on-one time with their father...which might account for the good time. They've been spending time with their friends..favorite Aunt and Uncle (spoiled them rotten, of course) and cousins...they've gone camping, etc. This next week will be the "interesting" part of the trip...a whole week of "nothing planned", staying at the house their father shares with his still married girlfriend and her three kids. It would almost be like an episode of the "Brady Bunch" if it weren't for the fact that the GF's husband owns the house, there is no quirky maid and there isn't a shred of stability in that house or the relationship. Don't misunderstand me here...I am not the "Bitter Ex". Believe me, I could care less about the SOS (Spawn Of Satan). I just don't like my kids in that situation for any length of time...or really any time at all. Talking to my 9 yr. old son last night, I was so sad when I heard him come to the realization that he still had one more full week that he had to spend there. "You're not picking me up on Sunday...why?"...it nearly broke my heart to tell him that our pick-up day wasn't until Friday, the 24th. Then I heard that little tone in his voice that meant he had gone into his "survival mode" again. I have been told that kids are tough...and mine all are...but to know that he HAS to be tough...sucks! Anyway, I told him to not worry...the week would go quickly and he would be home soon. Asked him too, what he wanted to eat when he got home? "RIBS!", he said. The kid is deprived of the foods he likes...the GF is a vegetarian so therefore, EVERYONE has to be. Nothing wrong with being a vegetarian...I don't eat much meat myself...but to force your beliefs on someone else (no matter what they are ) is crap! My daughters are both older (mid and late teens) so they do as they please more...and have more control. Oh well, "kids are tough"...a mantra I just can't get used to...ever.

Some random thoughts....

"Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince" came out in theaters this week...yay! I know, I am an adult and it may seem strange for me to be excited about this....but I can't help it, I am! There is a history with my kids, especially my daughter Victoria. She and I have been in this together from them beginning...book 1. We read the books together...taking turns until Book 5 came out and we realized we couldn't share a book any longer...and each bought one...the same for books6 and 7. We've seen all the movies, over and over...buying them on DVD. We have had snow days of Harry Potter marathons...staying in our jammies and camping out, in the living room, in front of the TV...all day! As Harry has grown...my kids have grown. It's been a fun ride!!

Michael Jackson died. My first thought when I found out was..."No way...that can't be right." Well, yes, it was. I know that there was so much controversy in the last few years of his life...but I have memories of growing up and loving his music. I still have his "Off The Wall" album. I used to play it in my bedroom all the time! I'm not old enough to have experienced The Jackson 5 when they were first out there...but I enjoyed there music too. To me Michael was a musical genious...there can't be any denying that. What he did in his personal life...well, I wouldn't know. I wasn't there. There has been alot said about his personal life but to me it's all speculation and none of my business. I choose to remember him the way he was before his looks changed...when he was making music and making history. I will remember his music and how it affected my life. Rest in Peace MJ.

I am missing my family and friends in the states....
I am missing my home state (Maine)....
I am missing my Brother, Sister-in-law, neice and nephew (they live in South Korea)...

My immigration papers are finally in order (took the Canadian Gov long enough!) and I can start working soon!!! This is a good thing because I am slowly loosing my mind! ;)

There are a few other things in my tiny brain but I am done for now. I need to find food! Take care all...I hope you have peace and love in your life. :)

LATE NIGHT...WANDERING MIND...

It's late but going to try to write something here...hopefully you can follow along...my mind is all over the place. (actually hoping I make sense).

Friends of mine are getting married in about a month. Both are great people...truly! They are hard working, kind...you know, nice! They also just bought their first house. They had their Stag & Doe last weekend...a Canadian tradition from what I can gather. It was a fun night other than a little drama from his side of the family (as always). Then this weekend was her Bridal shower...again a fun time but with no drama because his side didn't come (yay!). They are off to get married in the Dominican Republic (in about a month...like I said)...I wish I could go but being cash strapped, right now, puts a damper on that. Oh well, I will get to see the pics when they get back! As a gift to them, I am going to be taking some photos of them, in complete wedding attire when they get back. Kind of some informal...formals. Promises to be another fun time. So, why am I telling you this? Because...I am trying to talk about the positive stuff...first anyway.

While my friends are setting off on a beautiful journey into their new lives...I have also been thinking about the subject of "abandonment" (nice transition, huh?) and what it means in it's many forms (told you my mind is all over). So many ways to abandon and to be abandoned...physically, emotionally, mentally (different from emotional). What makes people abandon...other people...themselves...life? Personally I would say I have experienced all of theses forms of abandonment. I have never given up on life physically (obviously) but mentally I have "checked out" for a bit. There are still times I tend to go into an mental hibernation of sorts. I call it my "pod mode"...loud music and alone time. It's just a little way for me to look inward and find myself. It helps me during rough times.

Emotional abandonment is the form I seem to have the most experience with...not sure why. I am not usually the initiator of this form...I am usually the recipient. I have emotionally "bowed out" of a relationship or two...but I am more likely to be the one left behind. Of course, I have my theories on why that is (from my Dad wishing I were a boy when I was born, blah, blah, blah) but I think it is more likely the result of just choosing men (and friends) not fully equipped to deal with me. Now, I am not the super bitch that that sentence makes me sound...I am just very emotional and difficult to understand sometimes. I am the Aries, fire sign, ruled by Mars, painfully honest, in your face, etc...you get the picture. I am just the type of person that believes in working hard and giving everything I have to every aspect of my life. I do everything passionately...work, think, debate...and love. Frankly, I CANNOT understand anyone who doesn't feel or do things the same. Because of that I guess I hold on longer than I should sometimes, trying to figure out "why"...when what I should do is just let go. When I do let go, it's very hard, if not impossible, for someone to get "back in". I have had people, recently, that have come back into my life...results were mixed. Because of my involvement in social media sites (Facebook, Twitter, etc...) I have been contacted by former "friends" some that I'm not sure what to do about. That, right now, is my dilemma.

Wow, just realized that I am tired and this blog post is more like a journal entry. Ah well, sorry for that. Guess I will just end this as I try to end everyday I am on Twitter....Sleep Well and Dream Sweet! Gnight all! :)

MY POD....

Life, in general, has taken twisted little turns lately....ups and downs...fun and not so fun.
So, now what does the future hold? It still seems uncertain...still in someone else's hands (at least in part). I have made my decisions...felt the consequences of those decisions...both good and bad...jumped through hoops and over hurdles. And here I am...waiting and wondering...and hoping.

Patience is not a virtue I possess. I am trying to learn...but that's a rocky road and a whole story in itself. So, I am "patiently" going through life and my days of self discovery...trying to find a place in the world that I fit in. You would think that by my age I would have kind of "been there, done that"...not so much. But maybe that's the secret...life is a journey of self discovery and the point of it is to always be learning, discovering...changing. Hmmm...that was a semi-deep thought. Weird.

I am in what I lovingly refer to as "pod mode" today...in my room, alone, with music playing as loud as my speakers can handle. It helps me...find me. To shut the rest of the world away for a little while is sometimes a good thing. Oh, did I mention the music is nothing short of window shaking? I never play sweet little thoughtful tunes on days like this. Music for these kinds of days is VERY intense. The dancer that still lives in me wants to be someplace...and dancing. Ah well, this will have to do for now.

I am missing people today...lots of different people. Family and friends are in my mind and I am wishing I could see them...some more than others...some so much that it hurts to think about it. I am trying to NOT think about it...unsuccessfully. Note to self...try playing music even LOUDER...to drown out the voices telling me how much I miss them.

So, if you are reading this, try not to be too judgmental. I am an expert in self-preservation (been doing it a long time) and do the things I do...because they see me through...and I survive (in one slightly cracked and dented piece).

Time....

It's amazing to me how quickly time passes...

You hear that all the time...right? I don't usually think too much on the subject...don't dwell on it. Shit, I can't even remember how old I am without stopping to think about it. So...I don't think about it...until...one of my kids has a Birthday. Then...I think about it. I thought about it yesterday. My son tuned 9 years old yesterday...and I thought "How can that be?"...."Wasn't he a baby just a couple of weeks ago?"..."no", I answer..."he was not".


Nicholas is a very grown up little boy...getting taller by the minute and eating me out of house and home. He is smart, kind, adorable and very busy! He is my baby...my youngest...and it is hard to let myself realize how fast time is going by...and how few years I have left until he grows up and goes out into the world without his Mommy. Maybe I am in denial...maybe I just don't WANT to think about the time...passing. One day I will have to...let go...but for now I think I will just enjoy these years and my peaceful oblivion...forgetting time...passing. I can do that, right? I can...at least until next week...when my Oldest Daughter turns 17!...and in December...my Youngest Daughter turns Sweet 16! Guess you can't ignore time passing after all...just cherish and embrace it!!

It Is Done!!....

My feelings are on a roller coaster today. To start, the closing on my house took place yesterday...my birthday. This was both a gift and a sadness for me. The gift was because it is now one step closer to closing a very emotional chapter of my life...and one less connection to the "Spawn of Satan" (a.k.a. my Ex). The weight lifted from my shoulders is one I am so happy to have gone. The sadness comes from having to leave the house where I lived when my son was born...where my daughters played and grew into beautiful young ladies (they're going to hate that I called them that...lol).

I have so many good memories that my children and I shared during OUR time together in that house (minus "S.O.S."). I am so very glad and sad to see it go...and I hope the new owners will love it and have fun inside and outside (almost three acres) and have lots of good memories too. Goodbye my house :) :(

Now, on to the next big hurdle! CHARGE!!!!

My House!!

I sold my house!!
Okay, so not really an earth shattering announcement...but considering all I have been through and the ever crappy Real Estate economy, I feel fortunate to have it finally be done...almost done...closing in about 4 weeks.

With the severing of this final connection to my past and the Spawn of Satan (also known as my EX) I find myself sad too. I loved my house, loved its location (3 acres in the woods and 10 minutes to the ocean)...my son was born while I lived there...my children's growth measurements are recorded between the kitchen and living room...the wooden swing set I built out on the lawn (only one trip to the emergency room to fix my finger...4 stitches)...so many things. I will miss the spring "peepers" that hatched every year in the stream that ran through the woods...the hundreds of chickadees (my favorite bird) that flocked to my birdfeeders...the wild turkeys and deer that used to come up to my living room door...the little bat that lived just outside the window to my daughters' room. I won't miss the ground wasps that lived in the sandy soil or the wood spiders that would attack if you came too close...ewwwww! I will miss my huge kitchen...my not so huge but comfy living room...my childens' rooms that I lovingly painted and personalized to suit their attitudes, likes and dreams. I will miss the solitude of the house's location...I won't miss the lonliess I sometimes felt there. So many memories...good and bad. I wish I could afford to keep it...but I have to let go. No matter how much I want to let it go, it will be hard. It wasn't the biggest or the most beautiful or the most expensive sort of house...but it was mine. A piece of my heart will always be there.

So, I say to my children (and to myself)...hold on to the good memories of what was during our time in the woods...we will always have them. Mourn our loss but try not to dwell on it. We are making new memories...both good and bad...that we will also be able to hold in our hearts. I say to the new owners of my house...good luck and enjoy. Take care of my house...treat her well. Now if I could just figure out a way to take the wall with the kids growth chart without those folks noticing...hmmm. :)

My "SISTER" Sara!!

Sara and I have known each other for nearly 25 years and have been best friends for about a week less than that. We have had our ups and downs through the years but I can't imagine a universe without her in it. Sara is witty, amusing, free spirited and generally wonderful. To know her is to love her...and I do.
The following is from an online conversation (used here with her permission) we had today about her adventures in the snow...yesterday...with her 17 year old son Josh. I didn't really speak much...I was laughing too much to type.

SARA:
Had to go on another rescue run yesterday to save Josh out on the trails...


ME:
stuck?


SARA:

no the track on his sled broke in half...

so I went out to rescue him with my sled...

made it to the power lines...

got stuck...

got off my sled and sunk in about 4 ft of snow...

stayed there for a little while as I am short and it was VERY hard to get out...

couldn't get the sled out by myself...

was not sure how far into the woods Josh was...

yelled but he couldn't hear me...

so I began to crawl on my hands and knees to the woods across the power lines...

arms sunk and did a few face plants in the snow...

decided to lay there for a little while and wonder why I didn't take a cell phone with me or a pair of snowshoes...

called myself a dumb ass and had a good laugh...

talked to God a bit...

decided to army crawl on my belly to distribute my weight evenly across the snow...

felt like a sea lion...

started to make some progress!

about 30 min later made it to the woods...

whole trip about 100 yards...

started to walk in the woods!

learned I could easily walk though 20 inches of snow compared to 4 feet!

Kept yelling "Josh, don't worry, Mommy is coming!" over and over...

went around a corner...

no Josh...

kept walking...

call Josh again...

went around another corner...

still no Josh...

stopped and thought...

boy, the woods are very pretty today :)

couldn't breathe...

caught my breath.

went around another corner...

saw Josh way way up ahead!

yeah!!!

walked to his sled...

so

we stood there for a moment...

I couldn't talk very well...

out of shape maybe?

naw!

decided to walk back to my sled to get it unstuck...

take all that I said before and reverse it!

all of it!!

yes I crawled again!

got back to my sled...

30 min later...

lifted

pulled

lifted

pulled

got it unstuck!

got it stuck :(

lifted

pulled

made a path though the snow...

both of us...

for the snowmobile to go though...

more crawling...

had a bit of trouble keeping my boots on...

they wanted to stay in the snow!

crawled back...

lifted

pulled

and got it unstuck! :)

made it to the woods...

Yeah!!

began calling around for people to help us...

called Jordan...

called my mommy...

they called people...

their people called people...

the guy at the snowmobile club...

at the end of the power lines was out with the groomer...

Love that guy!!!

while we waited for the people to do their thing we drove my snowmobile around so that I could get it back home...

Superhero Josh took the snowmobile and jumped a HUGE snow bank...

got some air!!

scared the shit out of him!! :)

I thought it was pretty cool until I had to climb up the damn bank!

the phone rang and the new love in my life, the groomer guy, said he was coming to save us!!!

waited 15 min...

he came and took Josh back to his sled and pulled his sled out and all the way back to Swain Hill...

We then left it by the side of the road and drove back to the house for hot cocoa!!

total time 3 hours!!!

very tired legs...

did not use my elliptical last night!!!

The End

After regaining my composure, I got Sara's permission to use her story...told her she was awesome..."Super Mommy!!". Then "Super Mommy" and I said goodbye so she could go make dinner for her husband and 3 equally beautiful and intelligent children (my Goddaughter being the youngest one).

Not everyone is going to understand why I found this story so amusing...and that's okay. You would have had to have been there...through the happiness...through the HELL...and you weren't! That privilege has been ours! I am thankful...very thankful for the time I've shared with my "sister".

AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!

Don't mind me...I'm in what I would call "a mood" tonight! As you can probably tell...its not a good mood! I just wonder sometimes, the purpose of some men?! Is it just to infuriate, annoy, generally piss off? What is the purpose? Okay, some men are not like that, I'll grant you. But...my ex IS like that (probably why he's my ex, right?)! Its been long enough now that he really should be moving on and finding something new to amuse himself with, right? He has a girlfriend...can't he be a jackass to her now? I mean, I put my time in...I've suffered with his BS long enough. Can't it be her turn now? Anyone's turn really...except for mine! I have children with him and love them more than life itself! They can't help who the sperm donor was...no, I don't talk to them like this...I am better than that. They love their father and should love him...but to me, personally, he is an a**hole and a waste of quality air space. :) Sorry for venting...its just been one of those days.

Anyway, I want to pose a question to anyone who feels they want to answer. When you are no longer married to someone...and they are the co parent to your children...and they are the one that your children live with 85% of the time (me...they live with me)....wouldn't you think that it would be a bad thing to make their (my) life a living hell just for the sake of their (his) own amusement?

Its time he moved on...I did...long ago. His energy would be better spent thinking of things he can do for his kids (our kids) instead of being happy when I am stupid enough to give him emotional control over my disposition! And I need to stop letting him get to me!!
Breathe, relax, and focus....then let it go.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Good day to everyone!!...Happy Valentine's Day! If you are coupled, enjoy each other...let your significant other know how much you care! If you are single...thats okay too! Do something nice for someone...give them a card or some candy. It doesn't have to be someone you know...just someone you thinkcould use that pick-me-up!

In any case...have a great day!

2009...OFF AND RUNNING!

2009...and I can't believe its February already!!

Okay, so I was writing away and realized that I was sounding preachy...hmmmm. So, not wanting to sound that way I hit the delete button and now I'm starting over. What I really want to say is I am hopeful for this new year...and for the future. Simple.

Its been a while since I've written anything. I went back to Maine for Christmas. My kids were with their Father ( in Massachusetts) for the first week of their holiday break...including Christmas day. I spent that time at my Mom's house. My Mother had gone into the woods (before I got there) in back of her house and cut down a tree. It was tall and a bit "Charlie Brownish" but after she put 800 (yes, 800) colorful lights on it, it glowed in the corner of the living room like a torch! She put on some very sparkly ornaments and a gilded twig star on the top, then left the rest of the decorating to me. I put on some silver stars and a collection of Hallmark ornaments that my children have been collecting all their lives. It truly was one of the most beautiful Christmas trees I have ever seen. See...

My 85 year old Grandmother joined us and, although I missed my kids, we had a great day. A few days after Christmas I picked up my kids and we went back to my Mother's house for the second week of holiday break. The kids had their tree with my Mother and I the first day there and the rest of the week was spent just visiting and relaxing and having a great time! We watched the "ball drop" with some good food and a little sparkling cider...yum!

So, I am back in Canada (the kids too) and things are moving along. Going back to Maine was good for me. I reconnected with a "sister" and gained a renewed perspective of what is good in my life...and what is not. I AM doing what is right for me and for my kids, regardless of what some think. My life, my choices, are up to me and me alone. I've listened to my critics and despite what some of them say, I will continue to do what I think is right for me, the kids and the life I have. I'm not exactly where I want to be...but isn't that the challenge?...isn't that the adventure of living? I think it is.

I'm sure my life will continue to be a roller coaster...with ups and downs but I'm also sure that will continue to not be boring. I am happy for what I have and hopeful for what is to come.