LATE NIGHT...WANDERING MIND...

It's late but going to try to write something here...hopefully you can follow along...my mind is all over the place. (actually hoping I make sense).

Friends of mine are getting married in about a month. Both are great people...truly! They are hard working, kind...you know, nice! They also just bought their first house. They had their Stag & Doe last weekend...a Canadian tradition from what I can gather. It was a fun night other than a little drama from his side of the family (as always). Then this weekend was her Bridal shower...again a fun time but with no drama because his side didn't come (yay!). They are off to get married in the Dominican Republic (in about a month...like I said)...I wish I could go but being cash strapped, right now, puts a damper on that. Oh well, I will get to see the pics when they get back! As a gift to them, I am going to be taking some photos of them, in complete wedding attire when they get back. Kind of some informal...formals. Promises to be another fun time. So, why am I telling you this? Because...I am trying to talk about the positive stuff...first anyway.

While my friends are setting off on a beautiful journey into their new lives...I have also been thinking about the subject of "abandonment" (nice transition, huh?) and what it means in it's many forms (told you my mind is all over). So many ways to abandon and to be abandoned...physically, emotionally, mentally (different from emotional). What makes people abandon...other people...themselves...life? Personally I would say I have experienced all of theses forms of abandonment. I have never given up on life physically (obviously) but mentally I have "checked out" for a bit. There are still times I tend to go into an mental hibernation of sorts. I call it my "pod mode"...loud music and alone time. It's just a little way for me to look inward and find myself. It helps me during rough times.

Emotional abandonment is the form I seem to have the most experience with...not sure why. I am not usually the initiator of this form...I am usually the recipient. I have emotionally "bowed out" of a relationship or two...but I am more likely to be the one left behind. Of course, I have my theories on why that is (from my Dad wishing I were a boy when I was born, blah, blah, blah) but I think it is more likely the result of just choosing men (and friends) not fully equipped to deal with me. Now, I am not the super bitch that that sentence makes me sound...I am just very emotional and difficult to understand sometimes. I am the Aries, fire sign, ruled by Mars, painfully honest, in your face, etc...you get the picture. I am just the type of person that believes in working hard and giving everything I have to every aspect of my life. I do everything passionately...work, think, debate...and love. Frankly, I CANNOT understand anyone who doesn't feel or do things the same. Because of that I guess I hold on longer than I should sometimes, trying to figure out "why"...when what I should do is just let go. When I do let go, it's very hard, if not impossible, for someone to get "back in". I have had people, recently, that have come back into my life...results were mixed. Because of my involvement in social media sites (Facebook, Twitter, etc...) I have been contacted by former "friends" some that I'm not sure what to do about. That, right now, is my dilemma.

Wow, just realized that I am tired and this blog post is more like a journal entry. Ah well, sorry for that. Guess I will just end this as I try to end everyday I am on Twitter....Sleep Well and Dream Sweet! Gnight all! :)

MY POD....

Life, in general, has taken twisted little turns lately....ups and downs...fun and not so fun.
So, now what does the future hold? It still seems uncertain...still in someone else's hands (at least in part). I have made my decisions...felt the consequences of those decisions...both good and bad...jumped through hoops and over hurdles. And here I am...waiting and wondering...and hoping.

Patience is not a virtue I possess. I am trying to learn...but that's a rocky road and a whole story in itself. So, I am "patiently" going through life and my days of self discovery...trying to find a place in the world that I fit in. You would think that by my age I would have kind of "been there, done that"...not so much. But maybe that's the secret...life is a journey of self discovery and the point of it is to always be learning, discovering...changing. Hmmm...that was a semi-deep thought. Weird.

I am in what I lovingly refer to as "pod mode" today...in my room, alone, with music playing as loud as my speakers can handle. It helps me...find me. To shut the rest of the world away for a little while is sometimes a good thing. Oh, did I mention the music is nothing short of window shaking? I never play sweet little thoughtful tunes on days like this. Music for these kinds of days is VERY intense. The dancer that still lives in me wants to be someplace...and dancing. Ah well, this will have to do for now.

I am missing people today...lots of different people. Family and friends are in my mind and I am wishing I could see them...some more than others...some so much that it hurts to think about it. I am trying to NOT think about it...unsuccessfully. Note to self...try playing music even LOUDER...to drown out the voices telling me how much I miss them.

So, if you are reading this, try not to be too judgmental. I am an expert in self-preservation (been doing it a long time) and do the things I do...because they see me through...and I survive (in one slightly cracked and dented piece).