Hell...

So, another day in my own personal Hell...who knew Hell was this cold!!?

I don't know what today (or even the next few minutes) will bring...but my instincts tell me it most likely WON'T be good! Not being pessimistic...just realistic.

Still lost...damn it!

Feeling Lost...

I know I said I would try to be better the next time I was here...but things just aren't working out that way.

I'm so tired today. It feels as thought all my energy (you know, the kind found deep inside) has been drained. That "empty soul" kind of feeling. It's a very lonely feeling.

I am lost. I've worked so hard for the life I want...but I'm not the one who gets to decide if I have that life...so all the hard work in the world doesn't really make a difference. I make mistakes and am trying to learn from them...but don't get the chance. I keep trying and it doesn't matter.

So what do I do with all this?...I don't want to be whiny...or have a "pity party" for myself. What I want is for things to work out...and to be able to have a say in it. I don't want to be sad anymore! I WANT PEACE IN MY LIFE!!!

Dazed and Confused!

I just don't understand things sometimes. How can the day be going along, fairly well, and then be completely, utterly and totally blown to shit just because you say something?...oh, because I say something? When it comes to the "emotional" part of myself, I am least likely to get what I need or want just because I talk about it! No exageration, I assure you! And it really must be useless to try to figure out...I can't...and I've been trying for a very long time!! I know I sound whiny as crap...maybe I am...maybe that's the problem...I don't know. I just know that I am tired of my life being the way it is...tired of doing without things I need (you know, the things you can't buy?) and just wishing I could shut down and shut off and not feel it so damn much! I'm looking...I'm trying to find my way...but I am feeling so lost today.

So...thank you for joining me in another episode of "As the shit turns"...hope your day is bright and sunny...and that someone out there loves you...and shows you that every minute of the day! You deserve it...everybody deserves it! I promise I will be better the next time I am here.