IT'S ALMOST FRIDAY!!

Just a quick note today as I am excited for this week to finally be here!!
My kids are coming home Friday!! Yay! I can't wait! I'm not sure why but it seems that this year, their time away has dragged on. They have a yearly, month long visitation with their father (in the states)...so I'm used to that...but this year feels longer to me.
So, I am busy doing the usual preparations for their return...cleaning their rooms, washing their bedding (to make it fresh again), making sure their favorite foods are in the pantry and, of course, baking yummy things for them to munch.
When they do get back I will have loads of laundry to do (their father likes to send everything home dirty) and my son will want to be wherever I am for a few days...all the usual stuff. My daily life will be noisier and more hectic...and I love that!
Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy myself when they are gone...sometimes. But I have so much fun when they are home. I just love hanging out with my kids...whether we are at home watching a movie or out on a hike...they are great people to be around.

Well, I better get back to it...lots to do...yay again!

A POST?...REALLY?

I feel I have been neglecting my duties here. Not really sure why...I've had PLENTY to say...I've had the time...perhaps the reason is motivation? Lots to say...don't feel like saying it? Who knows...but let's give it a shot, shall we?

My kids have been on their yearly summer visitation with SOS...gone since the end of June. They come home in a week...yay! Not sure I can get across to anyone how much I HATE them being gone. You would have to be in my head to understand and believe me, that's not where you want to be. From what they've told me (during our phone conversations) they have been having a pretty good time. They haven't had too much one-on-one time with their father...which might account for the good time. They've been spending time with their friends..favorite Aunt and Uncle (spoiled them rotten, of course) and cousins...they've gone camping, etc. This next week will be the "interesting" part of the trip...a whole week of "nothing planned", staying at the house their father shares with his still married girlfriend and her three kids. It would almost be like an episode of the "Brady Bunch" if it weren't for the fact that the GF's husband owns the house, there is no quirky maid and there isn't a shred of stability in that house or the relationship. Don't misunderstand me here...I am not the "Bitter Ex". Believe me, I could care less about the SOS (Spawn Of Satan). I just don't like my kids in that situation for any length of time...or really any time at all. Talking to my 9 yr. old son last night, I was so sad when I heard him come to the realization that he still had one more full week that he had to spend there. "You're not picking me up on Sunday...why?"...it nearly broke my heart to tell him that our pick-up day wasn't until Friday, the 24th. Then I heard that little tone in his voice that meant he had gone into his "survival mode" again. I have been told that kids are tough...and mine all are...but to know that he HAS to be tough...sucks! Anyway, I told him to not worry...the week would go quickly and he would be home soon. Asked him too, what he wanted to eat when he got home? "RIBS!", he said. The kid is deprived of the foods he likes...the GF is a vegetarian so therefore, EVERYONE has to be. Nothing wrong with being a vegetarian...I don't eat much meat myself...but to force your beliefs on someone else (no matter what they are ) is crap! My daughters are both older (mid and late teens) so they do as they please more...and have more control. Oh well, "kids are tough"...a mantra I just can't get used to...ever.

Some random thoughts....

"Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince" came out in theaters this week...yay! I know, I am an adult and it may seem strange for me to be excited about this....but I can't help it, I am! There is a history with my kids, especially my daughter Victoria. She and I have been in this together from them beginning...book 1. We read the books together...taking turns until Book 5 came out and we realized we couldn't share a book any longer...and each bought one...the same for books6 and 7. We've seen all the movies, over and over...buying them on DVD. We have had snow days of Harry Potter marathons...staying in our jammies and camping out, in the living room, in front of the TV...all day! As Harry has grown...my kids have grown. It's been a fun ride!!

Michael Jackson died. My first thought when I found out was..."No way...that can't be right." Well, yes, it was. I know that there was so much controversy in the last few years of his life...but I have memories of growing up and loving his music. I still have his "Off The Wall" album. I used to play it in my bedroom all the time! I'm not old enough to have experienced The Jackson 5 when they were first out there...but I enjoyed there music too. To me Michael was a musical genious...there can't be any denying that. What he did in his personal life...well, I wouldn't know. I wasn't there. There has been alot said about his personal life but to me it's all speculation and none of my business. I choose to remember him the way he was before his looks changed...when he was making music and making history. I will remember his music and how it affected my life. Rest in Peace MJ.

I am missing my family and friends in the states....
I am missing my home state (Maine)....
I am missing my Brother, Sister-in-law, neice and nephew (they live in South Korea)...

My immigration papers are finally in order (took the Canadian Gov long enough!) and I can start working soon!!! This is a good thing because I am slowly loosing my mind! ;)

There are a few other things in my tiny brain but I am done for now. I need to find food! Take care all...I hope you have peace and love in your life. :)

LATE NIGHT...WANDERING MIND...

It's late but going to try to write something here...hopefully you can follow along...my mind is all over the place. (actually hoping I make sense).

Friends of mine are getting married in about a month. Both are great people...truly! They are hard working, kind...you know, nice! They also just bought their first house. They had their Stag & Doe last weekend...a Canadian tradition from what I can gather. It was a fun night other than a little drama from his side of the family (as always). Then this weekend was her Bridal shower...again a fun time but with no drama because his side didn't come (yay!). They are off to get married in the Dominican Republic (in about a month...like I said)...I wish I could go but being cash strapped, right now, puts a damper on that. Oh well, I will get to see the pics when they get back! As a gift to them, I am going to be taking some photos of them, in complete wedding attire when they get back. Kind of some informal...formals. Promises to be another fun time. So, why am I telling you this? Because...I am trying to talk about the positive stuff...first anyway.

While my friends are setting off on a beautiful journey into their new lives...I have also been thinking about the subject of "abandonment" (nice transition, huh?) and what it means in it's many forms (told you my mind is all over). So many ways to abandon and to be abandoned...physically, emotionally, mentally (different from emotional). What makes people abandon...other people...themselves...life? Personally I would say I have experienced all of theses forms of abandonment. I have never given up on life physically (obviously) but mentally I have "checked out" for a bit. There are still times I tend to go into an mental hibernation of sorts. I call it my "pod mode"...loud music and alone time. It's just a little way for me to look inward and find myself. It helps me during rough times.

Emotional abandonment is the form I seem to have the most experience with...not sure why. I am not usually the initiator of this form...I am usually the recipient. I have emotionally "bowed out" of a relationship or two...but I am more likely to be the one left behind. Of course, I have my theories on why that is (from my Dad wishing I were a boy when I was born, blah, blah, blah) but I think it is more likely the result of just choosing men (and friends) not fully equipped to deal with me. Now, I am not the super bitch that that sentence makes me sound...I am just very emotional and difficult to understand sometimes. I am the Aries, fire sign, ruled by Mars, painfully honest, in your face, etc...you get the picture. I am just the type of person that believes in working hard and giving everything I have to every aspect of my life. I do everything passionately...work, think, debate...and love. Frankly, I CANNOT understand anyone who doesn't feel or do things the same. Because of that I guess I hold on longer than I should sometimes, trying to figure out "why"...when what I should do is just let go. When I do let go, it's very hard, if not impossible, for someone to get "back in". I have had people, recently, that have come back into my life...results were mixed. Because of my involvement in social media sites (Facebook, Twitter, etc...) I have been contacted by former "friends" some that I'm not sure what to do about. That, right now, is my dilemma.

Wow, just realized that I am tired and this blog post is more like a journal entry. Ah well, sorry for that. Guess I will just end this as I try to end everyday I am on Twitter....Sleep Well and Dream Sweet! Gnight all! :)

MY POD....

Life, in general, has taken twisted little turns lately....ups and downs...fun and not so fun.
So, now what does the future hold? It still seems uncertain...still in someone else's hands (at least in part). I have made my decisions...felt the consequences of those decisions...both good and bad...jumped through hoops and over hurdles. And here I am...waiting and wondering...and hoping.

Patience is not a virtue I possess. I am trying to learn...but that's a rocky road and a whole story in itself. So, I am "patiently" going through life and my days of self discovery...trying to find a place in the world that I fit in. You would think that by my age I would have kind of "been there, done that"...not so much. But maybe that's the secret...life is a journey of self discovery and the point of it is to always be learning, discovering...changing. Hmmm...that was a semi-deep thought. Weird.

I am in what I lovingly refer to as "pod mode" today...in my room, alone, with music playing as loud as my speakers can handle. It helps me...find me. To shut the rest of the world away for a little while is sometimes a good thing. Oh, did I mention the music is nothing short of window shaking? I never play sweet little thoughtful tunes on days like this. Music for these kinds of days is VERY intense. The dancer that still lives in me wants to be someplace...and dancing. Ah well, this will have to do for now.

I am missing people today...lots of different people. Family and friends are in my mind and I am wishing I could see them...some more than others...some so much that it hurts to think about it. I am trying to NOT think about it...unsuccessfully. Note to self...try playing music even LOUDER...to drown out the voices telling me how much I miss them.

So, if you are reading this, try not to be too judgmental. I am an expert in self-preservation (been doing it a long time) and do the things I do...because they see me through...and I survive (in one slightly cracked and dented piece).

Time....

It's amazing to me how quickly time passes...

You hear that all the time...right? I don't usually think too much on the subject...don't dwell on it. Shit, I can't even remember how old I am without stopping to think about it. So...I don't think about it...until...one of my kids has a Birthday. Then...I think about it. I thought about it yesterday. My son tuned 9 years old yesterday...and I thought "How can that be?"...."Wasn't he a baby just a couple of weeks ago?"..."no", I answer..."he was not".


Nicholas is a very grown up little boy...getting taller by the minute and eating me out of house and home. He is smart, kind, adorable and very busy! He is my baby...my youngest...and it is hard to let myself realize how fast time is going by...and how few years I have left until he grows up and goes out into the world without his Mommy. Maybe I am in denial...maybe I just don't WANT to think about the time...passing. One day I will have to...let go...but for now I think I will just enjoy these years and my peaceful oblivion...forgetting time...passing. I can do that, right? I can...at least until next week...when my Oldest Daughter turns 17!...and in December...my Youngest Daughter turns Sweet 16! Guess you can't ignore time passing after all...just cherish and embrace it!!

It Is Done!!....

My feelings are on a roller coaster today. To start, the closing on my house took place yesterday...my birthday. This was both a gift and a sadness for me. The gift was because it is now one step closer to closing a very emotional chapter of my life...and one less connection to the "Spawn of Satan" (a.k.a. my Ex). The weight lifted from my shoulders is one I am so happy to have gone. The sadness comes from having to leave the house where I lived when my son was born...where my daughters played and grew into beautiful young ladies (they're going to hate that I called them that...lol).

I have so many good memories that my children and I shared during OUR time together in that house (minus "S.O.S."). I am so very glad and sad to see it go...and I hope the new owners will love it and have fun inside and outside (almost three acres) and have lots of good memories too. Goodbye my house :) :(

Now, on to the next big hurdle! CHARGE!!!!

My House!!

I sold my house!!
Okay, so not really an earth shattering announcement...but considering all I have been through and the ever crappy Real Estate economy, I feel fortunate to have it finally be done...almost done...closing in about 4 weeks.

With the severing of this final connection to my past and the Spawn of Satan (also known as my EX) I find myself sad too. I loved my house, loved its location (3 acres in the woods and 10 minutes to the ocean)...my son was born while I lived there...my children's growth measurements are recorded between the kitchen and living room...the wooden swing set I built out on the lawn (only one trip to the emergency room to fix my finger...4 stitches)...so many things. I will miss the spring "peepers" that hatched every year in the stream that ran through the woods...the hundreds of chickadees (my favorite bird) that flocked to my birdfeeders...the wild turkeys and deer that used to come up to my living room door...the little bat that lived just outside the window to my daughters' room. I won't miss the ground wasps that lived in the sandy soil or the wood spiders that would attack if you came too close...ewwwww! I will miss my huge kitchen...my not so huge but comfy living room...my childens' rooms that I lovingly painted and personalized to suit their attitudes, likes and dreams. I will miss the solitude of the house's location...I won't miss the lonliess I sometimes felt there. So many memories...good and bad. I wish I could afford to keep it...but I have to let go. No matter how much I want to let it go, it will be hard. It wasn't the biggest or the most beautiful or the most expensive sort of house...but it was mine. A piece of my heart will always be there.

So, I say to my children (and to myself)...hold on to the good memories of what was during our time in the woods...we will always have them. Mourn our loss but try not to dwell on it. We are making new memories...both good and bad...that we will also be able to hold in our hearts. I say to the new owners of my house...good luck and enjoy. Take care of my house...treat her well. Now if I could just figure out a way to take the wall with the kids growth chart without those folks noticing...hmmm. :)